Mind Over Mandate: Making People Matter

The world is full of people who will do great things when they feel like they're making a noticeable difference. We can talk about motivation until the cows come home, but nothing is a more predictable impetus for good than someone who feels like they matter. 

Whether you and I are close friends, casual acquaintances, or maybe I'm just a voice on a podcast, someone you've never met... that makes no difference to me at all. You matter to me. I want you to be successful. I want you to be happy. I want you to have whatever tools you need to make sure that your life is a good one and that you're able to give energy and love and encouragement to others.

If I can be of help to you, go to natewalkercoaching.com, and on the Contact page, comment on what would be most useful. Talk to me about this podcast and what you would like to hear. Share this with friends and loved ones. Reach out to me if I can help you with NLP or coaching or any other thing. 

Transcript

Nathan: 0:17

Hello, my friends. In the past week or so, several people have said,"Yes, but why would a person do that?" And you can fill in the blanks about what that would mean, since in each case, the context was something different, and the that may have been good or bad. But we often wonder why people do what they do. And even more, we might wonder as parents or employers or workers or anything else, what in the world we can do to get people to do things we want. How do we change behavior in a positive way? How do we motivate our children to actually clean their room? How do we get our employees or co-workers to actually do something? How do we make sure that in our relationships, we understand what's driving the other person's behavior? There are really three basic drivers for any positive action and for most of the negative ones, and I'm going to talk about them in order of the least effective to the most effective. Let's begin with the least. If you're trying to produce a certain behavior, In your employees in your children in your congregation or anything else and you mandate it, you make it a requirement, you are least likely to get the outcome that you want. Now that's pretty messed up, since almost everything we do is mandated in one way or another. You go to work; they say,"these are the rules.""These are what you can do and what you can't do.""This is the certification that everybody has to pass.""These are the videos you have to watch before you can get paid," la dee da dee da. They might say,"we have a new sales method. You all have to complete this course on the new sales method before we'll give you your check, and so on." I know of one organization that mandated a certain sales training for a number of highly successful salespeople who worked on deals ranging from 5 or 6 million to 20 or 30 million dollars per engagement. I also know that a large percentage of that sales team gave the login information to high school kids, and paid them to go through the training. Nobody learned anything from it, but the requirement was met and the salespeople got paid a heck of a lot more money than they paid those high schoolers. We see the same kind of behavior with children. Sometimes you can tell your kids,"this is what you have to do. You have to clean your room today. You have to do your dishes. It's your turn." You have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, and you find kids that resist it. Some people resort to tyranny to make things happen in the workplace, in a congregation, in an organization, in a school. You've seen people do this. You have seen people promise such draconian punishment that no one dares not complete what they are required to do. But, during the completion of that task, they are resentful the entire time. I read an interesting book written clear back in the 1800s, one time, about parenting. And in it, it said something like,"Those who parent by fear raise children who only wait until the object of fear is removed, and then they do whatever they want." You've seen this: children who grow older and are so full of resentment that they act out in extreme ways, because it was absolutely mandated that they do certain things that they didn't think were valuable to them or they didn't want to do. There are better ways to get somebody to change a behavior. So, let's talk about The second worst one. This one is kind of effective, some of the time. And it is,"it makes my job life easier." So, a mandate is one way to get things done. Making it easier for the person is another way to get things done. For example, I might say to a child,"If you'll pick up the five biggest things in your room, I'll come help you for the next five. And every time you finish five, I'll come do five with you." That makes their job easier. It makes them more likely to comply, and actually connects them to me a little bit. It's not an ineffective way to do things, it's just not the most effective. But it can happen. In the workplace, it might be,"we're going to implement a system whereby you can submit expense reports automatically with just pictures of your receipts, and that's all you have to do. It's going to make your job ten times easier. We hope you like it. Please do your expense reports." The likelihood that people will complete them is much higher than if they were just told they have to do it, or they're not going to get reimbursed. A mandate isn't great. Something that makes my job, life, or situation easier is a much better way to drive behaviors that are desirable. But what's the best one? I know, you want to know. Send a check for 20 dollars. No, I'm kidding. I'll tell you what the best one is. The absolute best driver of behaviors that you desire is ego. And I don't mean ego like, egotistical. I mean ego in the psychological or Freudian sense. Something that makes me matter. Do you want to change the world; your world and theirs? Make people matter. When people think that they matter, they will give blood, sweat, and tears to anything they perceive to be a noble cause. You want some proof? In many of the workshops I've done, people have argued with me about this. They've said,"well, you don't understand how business works. People don't just do stuff just because we make them matter." You want to bet? Explain the open source software movement to me. Now for those of you who don't know what that is, Open source software is software designed not by one individual or company for profit, necessarily, but software written by a number of contributors, all trying to create something good. They do it for free. Some of the best software in the world right now for video editing is open source. Some is for graphic design. Some is for keeping track of customers or salespeople, and so on. The list is almost endless. Open source software is used in Fortune 500 companies and in mom and pop shops. Open source software has changed almost every area of life. And why do people do it? Because they want to be a valued contributor. How do they know they're valued? Because their name shows up. On the list of people who contributed to this, it says, so and so contributed to this. This person developed this module that made us able to do such and such. This person came up with a better experience design. This person did such and such and so on. Those who are prolific contributors to open source software become famous. Not because they did it for money, but they did it to matter. People do things because they matter. is the greatest driver of positive behavior that you can come up with. You want your children to behave in a different way? Help them understand how much they matter. Any contribution they make to their happiness or yours matters."Help them see it. That was such a beautiful thing that you did to help your brother. You are a really important part of our family, and they look up to you, and I think you're wonderful." Do you want an employee to feel like they matter?"I noticed that you put in a ton of extra effort on that project. You did it because you cared about the outcome and you cared about the people, and that's something that I think is a really valuable part of your personality, and I enjoy working with you." People will do almost anything to matter. So, practice it. Be sincere. Help them understand that what they do is important. Do you ever have neighbors, or friends, or acquaintances, or family members who show up in social situations and just make the whole thing awkward? They might insert themselves in your conversation with something so completely out there that it has nothing to do with what you were actually talking about, and it seems totally out of place. They might go on to expound upon this latest project that they're working on, or this thing they did once that was such a big deal. Have you ever seen that and felt how awkward that is? Why would a person do that? Easy. They are desperate to matter. They'll tell anyone anything they need to tell them, to feel like they made a difference in the world; like they mattered to somebody. And it may not be you, and it may not be the group with which you are then conversing. It may feel awkward and out of place. But now you know. They just want to matter. Why are there people who interrupt a lesson in church to lob a bomb in there and try and blow the whole thing up, and try and be seen as the devil's advocate? Because they want to be seen. Because they want to matter. They want to feel like their opinion has some weight. And if they have to do it in a negative way to get that response, they'll do it. They just want to matter. Help them matter. I had an experience like that once, where somebody lobbed a bomb into a conversation that was UNBELIEVABLY disrespectful, and flew completely in the face of what we were trying to discuss, so much so, that it kind of sucked all the oxygen out of the room. People were deeply offended by what this person had said. But I knew a little bit more about his background than most of them. I knew what he had recently been through, and I knew that he was in a great deal of pain, and felt ignored, abandoned, and betrayed by those who should have valued him. After the meeting ended, I walked over to this guy, shook his hand and asked how his family was doing. An observer came to me after that and said,"how in the world can you even stand to talk to that guy? You shouldn't even talk with somebody like that." And I said,"because I know him, and I know more good about him than bad." A recent conversation with a friend went much the same way."I hope you don't think ill of me because of such and such." My response was,"I know more good about you than bad. To me, you're a good person, and I'm going to keep it that way." Tears were the result. People need to matter. You can apply it in the workplace. You can apply it at home. You can apply it at church. You can apply it to the person behind the check stand at the store. I've had numerous conversations with people who, after just a few minutes of sincere conversation, with tears in their eyes, said,"Thank you. Thank you so much for paying attention to me. I was really having a hard time today." I'll leave you with one last story. I went to train a company you would all be familiar with. The head of that company is a renowned designer. Again, this is somebody you will all have heard of. Knowing that I was coming to train them, and anxious to make a good impression, they booked me into a beautiful, fashionable, and unbelievably expensive hotel in New York City. During the evening, I got a little lonely. I was traveling a lot and had been all around the world within the past month, and I was just tired and in need of some conversation and companionship. I knew that I wasn't the only person in the world that felt that way. I also noticed that a lot of the well heeled had come through the lobby of that extraordinarily expensive hotel, and given nary a glance to those employees who were trying to help them with their booking, help them find their room, complete the transaction, etc. And so, down the elevator I went. I went up to the front desk and somebody jumped to her feet and asked,"How can I help you, sir? Is anything wrong?" I said,"No. I just wanted to say hello and thank you for helping me get set in my room. She said,"oh, you're, you're very welcome. Is there anything else you need? I said,"How long have you worked here?" She looked scared. She said,"Four years.""Do you enjoy it?""Um, It's, uh, I'm thankful for the job." I said, who's your colleague?"Oh, That's Jonah.""Hey, Jonah, how are you doing?" And then we had a good long chat. We talked for five or ten minutes. At the end of the conversation, Jonah said to me,"you don't know how important this has been. You have no idea. You're the first person today who has said one single word to us other than what was necessary, and I'm just very grateful. Thank you for taking the time." Are you kidding? It was a pleasure for me. They mattered to me because they are people trying to have a life. They were lonely. They were in need of some conversation and someone to show appreciation. Make people matter. Have I mentioned that already? Now I want you to know, you matter to me. Whether you and I are close friends, casual acquaintances, or maybe I'm just a voice on a podcast, someone you've never met... that makes no difference to me at all. You matter to me. I want you to be successful. I want you to be happy. I want you to have whatever tools you need to make sure that your life is a good one and that you're able to give energy and love and encouragement to others. If I can be of help to you, go to natewalkercoaching.com, and in the Contact page, comment on what would be most useful. Talk to me about this podcast and what you would like to hear. Share this with friends and loved ones. Reach out to me if I can help you with NLP or coaching or any other thing. You matter to me. Make people matter. We'll talk again soon.