Overcoming Anger, Double Binds, and More

You've probably noticed, especially over the last couple of years, that society as a whole feels heavier, angrier, more afraid. Negative emotions like anger always cause harm to our bodies and minds. Getting rid of negative emotions can free us up to do things that we are capable of doing, but would otherwise be unable to do. There are opportunities that we simply can't see when negative emotions have gotten in the way or negative habits of thinking. 

It's time for you to put that behind you. You need never tell that story again to yourself or to anyone else. You will be shocked at how much of your life is being governed by this heavy bag of stuff you are carrying around, with a story inside of it. 

I've worked with several clients over the past few weeks. A surprising number of them have been dealing with some anger. In this episode, with permission, I share a portion of one of my conversations with you. I think you will find this helpful. 

To get hold of me and talk about how I can best help you, go to natewalkercoaching.com/contact-1 and share your thoughts, notes, comments, or aspirations in the comments section. Or, DM me on Facebook, etc.  Tell me how I can help you best, and we'll schedule some time together, free of charge, to discuss it. 
 
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Transcript

Podcast 52 - Overcoming anger, double binds, and more 
 

NOTE: this episode includes a conversation with a client, used with permission. The client’s words will be both italicized and in quotation marks.

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Hello my friends. Most of you have probably figured out by now that my podcasts are generally unscripted. You may have opinions about whether or not that should be the case, but that's what it is for now, this one, however, I have chosen to read a little bit and you'll see why in just a minute. When I'm working with people, when I'm working with NLP Breakthrough clients or those with whom I have a long-standing coaching relationship, I'm always really excited about what they will feel—or what they're capable of feeling, in anticipation of the weight that will be removed. We're kind of all carrying around a lot of heavy things, and you've probably noticed, especially over the last couple of years, that society as a whole feels heavier, angrier, more afraid. That concerns me a great deal. 

One of the reasons I like working with people, whether we're talking about individuals or corporations, whether we're talking about sales training or individual coaching, is helping them remove some of the weight and remove some of the emotions that are getting in their way. Negative emotions always cause harm to our bodies and minds. Getting rid of negative emotions can free us up to do things that we are capable of doing, but would otherwise be unable to do. There are opportunities that we simply can't see when negative emotions have gotten in the way—or negative habits of thinking. Both of these are things that I help people with. 

I once told my own coach a story that I was sure she had never heard before, hoping to explain why I wasn't progressing as fast as she had hoped, and she listened very patiently and then said, “Nathan, you've now told me that story 10 times over the past year. It's time for you to put that behind you. You need never tell that story again to yourself, or to anyone else” I was really embarrassed and quite shocked. I didn't realize how much of my life was being governed by this heavy bag of stuff I was carrying around that had that story in it. 

So I've worked with several clients over the past few weeks. A surprising number of them have been dealing with some anger “stuff.” And so with permission, I'd like to share a portion of one of my conversations with you. This is from a transcript of the conversation, and you can see if it applies to you. I think you will find this helpful. 

So, we're picking up in the middle of the conversation and I'm saying, “and the other one. If you get rid of anger—(so, this is something that the individual believed)—If you get rid of anger, which is the emotion you were having a hard time releasing, you will face the potential of being a victim.” 

The answer, “Yeah, if I get rid of it, then I'm just gonna be a pushover and not be able to defend myself. I'll just be a victim.” 

All right, so we have identified what's called a double bind. It's, “If I let anger go, then I'll be a victim," to which the client responded, “Or maybe I just don't have anger. Maybe there just isn't any to find.” 

My response: A moment ago, you were talking about your dad and said, “that just makes me so angry that his doctor recommended that.” 

Client: “Yeah. I wanted to punch somebody in a throat for that one.” 

I'll pause here to say…might be some anger! So here's what I said. “We know that negative emotions don't protect you, and especially if you are in fight or flight, each negative emotion contributes to something harmful. Anger is a contributor to heart attack and heightened cholesterol, among others. Fear contributes to excessive stress, PTSD, and phobias. Conflict contributes to cancer, and so on. The prime directive of the unconscious mind is to protect the body; to protect you. If you're not letting go of anger, it will harm you. And if you're in a bind like this one, if letting go of anger represents vulnerability and victimhood, then we definitely need to work through that together.”

Response. “Maybe that's where this is coming from, is me feeling like I have to protect myself.”  

“Exactly. Tell me how hanging on to anger will protect you from being a victim.” 

“Um, if I get in an argument, I need to be able to defend myself.” 

“Do you believe that anger and defending yourself are the same thing? Do you see anger and defensiveness as siblings?” 

“I don't know if I'm defending myself. Maybe I can do it without getting mad.” 

“What are your feelings about defensiveness? 

“I, when I think of defensiveness, I think of protecting myself; of not being a pushover and letting somebody take advantage of me.”

“So would you say defensiveness equals protecting yourself? Are they the same thing to you?” 

“Maybe. I feel like defensiveness is kind of a position that you take if you're in a situation that you need it. I do hate conflict.” 

My question: “So you're saying, ‘I hate conflict, but I don't want people walking all over me and being a victim.’ So that's a double bind. Remember, that's when we have two things that we believe that are in conflict with each other, because you said the way you avoid being a victim is anger. Earlier in our conversation, you added another. Quote: ‘If I resolve these, I don't want people being jealous of me. I'm afraid they will judge me harshly because they're jealous.’ So here's my question. If so, the way to not have them be jealous of you is to still be a victim to some degree. Is that correct?” 

“Yes.”

“‘I hate conflict.’ ‘I refuse to be a victim.’ ‘I must hang on to anger to protect myself.’ ‘If I release anger, conflict and victimhood, I'll be judged by others who are jealous.’ That's a quadruple bind. You're an overachiever. Your mind and body are constantly at work, constantly in conflict trying to decide which one of these limiting decisions will win.” 

Now I need to pause for a minute. You'll notice I said limiting decisions, not limiting beliefs. Very often we say limiting beliefs when we're talking about something that holds us down a little bit. Something that we believe that gets in our way—but many of them are actually limiting decisions. At some point in this person's life, whether consciously or unconsciously, they made a decision that: "I must hang on to anger, if I'm to avoid being a victim." That decision has stuck with this person for years and years and years. Can you see how unhealthy that is? Can you see how much that would prevent this individual, from realizing who they are capable of becoming or from doing what they could possibly do. 

So I asked the question, “Would you be happier if you could let go of these things?” 

“Yes.” 

“Okay. Let's talk only about anger for a minute. What happens if anger goes away? Does that make you a victim? Can you think of a situation where you might not be angry, and also, not be a victim?”  

“Yeah, when I'm not arguing.”  

“Okay. Can you think of a situation where you feel there might be a conflicting viewpoint, or where someone may have done something to you or someone you love, and you felt a need to defend them or yourself? Can you think of doing that without anger?”  

“Probably not.”  

“Okay. Do you feel that anger is a tool for you or an emotion?” 

“Probably an emotion. I don't think I use it like a tool. I think it's just an emotion that happens when I'm feeling like I need to defend or I need to protect.”  

My question: “What would you do if a close friend challenged your thinking on an issue and anger was not available to you?”  

“I would probably change the topic, because I don't like conflict.” 

“So it wouldn't be resolved then. Right?”  

“Right.”  

“Does anger make people able to defend themselves?”  

The answer: “No. I think it's a product of it. I've always kind of admired those who, if a friend was being picked on or something, they'd defend them.”  

My question, “Would you say that anger equals safety?” 

“No. If it was a disagreement with a friend, I could be safe by just changing the topic. Avoiding conflict.”  

“So safety is available without anger?”  

“I think so.”  

“Can you live your life safely without anger?”  

“I don't know, because then I don't have that proper reaction available if I need it.”  

My question: “If a coyote came after your chickens, could you shoot the coyote without anger?” 

“Oh, I guess so, but normally I'd probably get mad.”  

“Yeah. We're just trying to establish whether or not you need anger. Do we need anger, not to be a victim?”  

“No.”  

“Are victims always without anger?”  

“Yes.”  

“Does the presence of anger prevent someone from being a victim?” 

The answer was yes.  

My question: “Does the presence of anger prevent someone from being a victim? If someone is being beaten, then they're angry about it, but their opponent is bigger and they beat them up anyway, and the one who's being beaten up is really angry about it, but powerless to stop it, does the anger stop the victimhood? Does the anger prevent them from being victimized?”  

The answer was, “I think it protects them.”  

Here's my question again: "How? The guy got beat up anyhow. He was super angry about it, but he got beat up. So did the anger protect him?”  

“No, I guess not.”  

“Somebody comes into your house in the middle of the night and you're super angry. Will that protect you?”  

“No.”  

“What will?”  

“Your ability to handle a gun, probably.”  

“So, does anger really protect us from being victims?”  

“Well, no, but here's the thing. You have to have the skill. If you don't, how are you gonna protect yourself?”  

“Okay. Somebody comes into your house in the middle of the night, you don't know how to handle a gun. If you're angry enough, will that protect you?”  

The answer was no.  

“Your son is accosted in the street. Somebody wants to mug him, rob him of his wallet and everything else, and then beat him up. If your son is angry, will that protect him? Or somebody approaches one of my friends or family members whom I love and spills falsehood and resentment on them, and causes them to doubt their faith, or doubt their worth. If they're angry enough, will that protect them? Will that make them more likely to be safe or less likely to be safe?” 

The answer was less. 

Because so much of this involves unconscious thought on our part, then it's helpful to ask a question that will sort of allow them to stop fighting it consciously and allow it to feel different or be interpreted in a different way. My question then was, “Is it possible to accept that the belief: ‘anger equals safety,’ may not be real?”  

“Maybe.” 

“Can you allow yourself to feel the feeling that anger and safety are not the same? Shall we try letting go at least temporarily of the belief that anger equals safety? Could you see doing that?”  

“Okay.”  

“Okay. You can even say a prayer in your mind if you want, and pray that you can feel safe without anger—or just have that thought in your mind while we work through this together. The thought is: anger is not the same thing as safety. You don't need it to be the same thing. You can be safe without anger. You can be very, very safe without anger. You can live in a fortress without anger. Fortress walls aren't anger walls. They may be big earthen works with poles and towers and spikes on top of them, like they used to do in biblical times. The captain wouldn't say, ‘Okay, everybody be angry and then we'll all be safe.’ He might say, ‘Gather your families and your flocks, and bring some food, and defend yourselves in memory of your God, your religion, your freedom, and your peace, and your wives and your children.’ Anger does not protect them. Anger does not protect you.”  

Now, we'll end this little piece, where I'm talking about and quoting verbatim from this client, with whom I was working. 

All of us, all of us have emotions that limit our expression of who we really are, that limit what we can become, what we're capable of becoming. When we hang on to an emotion, when we make a limiting decision that says, “this means this”— If I'm not angry, it means I'm a victim. If I'm not guilty, it means I'm a bad person. If I don't fear, it means I'm likely to be surprised in an unpleasant way, and so on. When we hang on to these emotions; when we make decisions that are complex and that limit us, we are never what we are fully capable of becoming. 

I want you to be fully capable of what you're becoming. I want you to show up in a way that changes the world. That's what I do for a living, is help people show up in a way that changes the world. So, if you find that you're struggling with any negative emotion, please let me help you. If you have family members in the same boat, let me know, and you and I can figure out the best way to do that. Start by going to natewalkercoaching.com, click on the contact link, and then just in the space there that says, “what message would you like to send,” instead of checking all the boxes, just tell me what it is you want to talk about and what you'd like to address. 

One of these days. I'll update the website. Maybe I'll even do it today. Maybe I won't limit myself by not updating!

Let me help you with this. You can also find me on Facebook and other social media, but whatever you do, get rid of the heavy stuff. Become who you really are. This is a fantastic time to live. This is a fantastic world we live in, filled with fantastic people. The trick is to get all the baggage out of the way, so that you can see it and believe it and become it. 

We'll talk again soon.