Streams and Swamps and Human Connection

Revitalizing Relationships: Don't Let Your Bonds Become Stagnant

In this heartfelt talk, I share analogies that  highlight the importance of keeping relationships fresh, just like spring water. I emphasize the concept of honoring the 'bids', or attempts at connection, from others, to encourage healthy progress in relationships. Stagnant water in a stream is akin to stagnant relationships and in this podcast, I underline the significance of 'emotional deposits' in ensuring the prosperous flow of relationships.

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Transcript

Podcast 79: Streams and Swamps and Human Connection 
 

[00:00:00]  
 

Hello, my friends. Probably the favorite thing I can remember from when I was a kid was when dad would come in from whatever he was doing, usually out on the farm, and say, "All right. We're going fishing in an hour." We'd get all our work done as fast as we could, feed the animals, scrub the floors, do whatever we had to do, and then we would load up, usually in a van, and head out to the mountains of Idaho. 

Dad would build a platform about a foot off the floor of most of the vans that we had, so that way we could put the tent and the fishing poles and everything underneath the platform and we would just sit on the lip of it and talk all the way into the mountains. We would go up these [00:01:00] roads where just about at every turn there was a little stream or a spring coming down from the side of the mountain and filling the creek below. Some of the springs came pouring right out from the rocks. 

Water that came out between the rocks, and flowed down the beautiful moss, and sparkled in the sun, was absolutely ice cold, and so fresh and so amazing that I can still remember what it felt like to kneel down by one of those springs and drink that unbelievably cold, fresh water. 

 The "cricks”—we called them "cricks”—the creeks in which we would fish were usually narrow enough that with a good run at it, a grown man could at least jump across. Or, when I was in high school and I thought I was a grown man, I could jump across. Lots of times there was a lot of brush and willow trees and things around, and because we were willing to [00:02:00] wade up the middle of that water and get our feet absolutely frozen, there weren't too many people competing for the fish that we were trying to get in those areas. Every once in a while, we'd come across a spot where the water had gone into a large cutout near the bank of a stream and formed an eddy, or somehow gotten clogged in some way and become stagnant. Maybe there had been a mudslide or some soil had fallen from the edge and blocked some of the water.  

I always wondered why there weren't fish in those slow moving areas. But when we got up close to the water, it didn't smell right. It wasn't moving. It was stagnant. fish that we ever did see in that water were dead.  

Relationships are very much like streams. When we continually replenish the relationship [00:03:00] with anything that keeps it moving, we generally have a healthy environment in which to build a life. It doesn't matter if we're talking about marriage or parenting or even the way you relate with co workers. If you want something to be fresh and good and beautiful and enjoyable, you've got to replenish it. You've got to keep the water flowing. Water that doesn't flow turns into a putrid, and often poisonous, swamp. Relationships that aren't kept moving do the same thing. 

 Let me give you an example. You may have experienced this or observed it at work or at home, in a parent child or in a marriage relationship. Sometimes people will have different approaches and different views to how problems should be solved. It's entirely possible that both solutions are good. Maybe not [00:04:00] perfect, but good. It's also entirely possible, in fact, likely, that both people don't see it that way. Most of us are prone to think that the solution we came up with is the right answer, and the solution the other person came up with is, maybe good, but just not as good. And so we find ourselves trying to persuade the other that our suggested course of action is the best way to do it.  

When we refresh relationships, It's easy for us to see that the water could flow along one bank or the other and still be clean, fresh, cold, wonderful water. When we don't refresh it, we find ourselves competing for which water is flowing best, and which we would categorize as a swamp. If we're not careful, and we don't refresh the water, refresh the relationship, [00:05:00] we will find ourselves in a state of silent competition. The competition is not really about what we think it's about. The competition really is to be honored.  

If you study the work of the Gottman Institute, you'll hear them talk about bids. Sometimes, for example, one partner in a relationship will say something like, "oh wow, did you hear about such and such?" If you don't respond to that; that thing that the Gottmans call a bid, then it sort of makes a withdrawal from the other's emotional bank account. To fail to acknowledge a bid for connection actually causes problems. 

When we honor a bid for connection, it helps refresh the water and keep it flowing and moving. If we don't keep it flowing and moving, it stagnates. If we keep refreshing it [00:06:00] by honoring those bids, then we make deposits in the emotional bank account. During times of conflict, there must be five times as many positive connections as there are negative, or the relationship goes south. 

There must be five times as much good water, at least, flowing through that stream of our life. That's during times of conflict. During times of just regular everyday life, the relationship or the ratio needs to be 20 to 1. If we want our stream to flow fresh and clear and abundantly all the time, we need to be acknowledging bids and making connections deliberately with our partner at least 20 times for every one negative thing, or every one withdrawal that we make. If we don't do this The [00:07:00] relationship begins to stagnate, and we will see that it's stagnant when neither partner quite trusts the other to acknowledge who they really are. 

When it feels like our hearts aren't still connected, we tend to build resentment just like we would moss, or mosquitoes, or any other thing in our little swampy land. What was a puddle turns into a large area that's no longer helpful. If we allow the resentment to build inside of that swampy space, it chokes everything good out and eventually kills it. A fish belly up in putrid water is a pretty good analogy for what happens in the swamp when we allow resentment to clog all of the movement.  

So how do we solve the problem? We can't solve the [00:08:00] problem by changing the way the other person thinks. Their thinking may be completely valid. We can't solve the problem by saying, "fine, I'll do it their way." And remember, we're not talking about just a spouse. It could be a boss, it could be a child, it could be any other kind of relationship. We don't give up our autonomy or make stupid decisions about "fine, I'll just let it crash and burn." We're not doing that. 

What we must do to fix this and to get the water flowing again is to acknowledge the bids and make continuous, deliberate, not necessarily grand, but small deposits in the other's emotional bank account. If you find yourself in a position where you feel resentment growing, and a desire to cease acknowledging the contributions, or the comments, or the feelings, or especially the bids for connection of the other person, your swamp [00:09:00] will turn poisonous, and then you'll wonder what happened. Why did it die? That's why.  

Make little bids, but more than that, at least 5 to 1. And 20 to 1, if you can pull it off. Acknowledge every bid for connection from the other person. When you do so, and when you continue to try and build that connection, you will find wonderful things begin to happen. 

It blossoms. It grows. That fresh flowing water nourishes and strengthens everything that it touches. For couples, date night should be an absolute requirement. If you find yourself feeling disconnected and you're not deliberately trying to put everything else aside and nurture that, and nourish that, at least weekly, [00:10:00] you're not doing your job. 

I've had friends and clients come to me and say, "I don't know, we just don't fit. It's just like we're just living parallel lives. I don't know if I even love him or her anymore." Yeah, well, what are you doing? "Well, i'm just trying to hold on." Uh, what about date nights? Do you do date nights every week? When was the last time you did that? 

"I don't know. Probably three years ago." Well, get off your hiney, get back in the stream, and get that water moving. You've got to make sure the water isn't being clogged, blocked, or buried in something else. Get it open. Remove the dirt. Remove any obstructions. Take the logs out of the stream. Do whatever you gotta do. Get the water moving again.  

there are a lot of things that are easier to do when you have someone who can help you. Trying to make some big [00:11:00] changes in our lives, all by ourselves, is pretty difficult to do. I can't coach myself, but I'm pretty good at working with other people. If I can help you get rid of negative emotions, if I can help you acknowledge bids in a relationship, if I can help you be more successful in your career… What am I saying? "If?" 

I can help you. I can help you with all of those things. If you'd like to talk about it, get in touch with me and we'll see what works best. You can find me at natewalkercoaching.com, or you can look for NatesSchoolofThought on Instagram just message me there. Either way, we'll get started on clearing the stream, making it flow with beautiful, clear, sparkling water, and no more swamps. 

Swamps are not your friend. We'll talk again soon.  

 [00:12:00]