Happiness and Change, No Matter What Others Think

Episode 78

Happiness  and Change, No Matter What Others Think: Confronting Self-Consciousness & Embracing Your Ability To Become

In this reflective talk, Nathan discusses the often subtle insecurities we carry about our appearances and how these thoughts can impact us. He deciphers how insecurity is common, and that the best way to confront it is by shifting our focus from how we look, to the value we provide to others. Nathan talks about the importance of dressing appropriately and the influence it has on our self-perception and performance. Additionally, he critiques an attitude of superiority based on appearances and encourages us to pursue the positive changes we can make in ourselves, whether it's related to appearance, fitness or attitude. In conclusion, Nathan empowers the viewers to retain their personal power, to be the person they aspire to be, and to not give away their power to others' opinions.

I can help you get where you want to go. Message me on Instagram @natesschoolofthought, or click the Contact link on my website: https://natewalkercoaching.com.

00:00 Introduction and Personal Reflections

00:33 Dealing with Self-Consciousness

01:49 The Impact of Appearance and Dress

02:51 The Danger of Superiority Complex

03:29 Embracing and Improving How You Are Seen

03:50 Addressing Perceptions and Judgements

04:31 Dealing with Unfairness and Challenges

07:28 The Power of Attitude and Response

09:21 Choosing Happiness and Personal Power

10:36 The Journey to Self-Improvement

12:08 Embracing Your Identity and Potential

13:37 Conclusion: The Power of Choice

Transcript

Podcast 78: Happiness and Change, No Matter What Others Think 
 

Hello, my friends. Last night I delivered a seminar and I haven't had time to put my cameras back up, so I'm just shooting this one from my iPhone, but that's probably good. Maybe you can't see as much detail as I thought you could, and you know, maybe I should put some filters on my phone. The reason this is on my mind is because I saw some of the footage from last night and it didn't look like the footage I remember from, 15 or 20 years ago. And the first thing I thought was, "good grief, is that what I look like now?" 

Sometimes we can feel really, really awkward, especially in social situations, about the way we look, or the way we speak, or the way we think, or the way we sound, and some of that is just normal. 

It's part of life to worry a bit about others' perceptions of you. Almost nobody goes through life without being self conscious about something. Some of the most brash, annoying people you know, are compensating for a [00:01:00] feeling of insecurity or self consciousness. You don't need to think you're the only one. The question is, how do you deal with it? When I looked at those images from the seminar last night and looked at myself on video and thought, "gee, I didn't know I looked like that"—well, I kinda did, but I hoped it was wrong—I wondered why I wasn't worried about that or thinking about it during the seminar itself. It's because my focus was on what I was giving the audience. I had a gift to give them. I had something really important to tell them that would be helpful in their life, and in their careers, and make things better. 

I didn't have time or mental space to worry too much about what people were thinking. That came later when I was tired and I watched the video.  

What about being self conscious about your clothing or your mode of dress? Does that have anything to do with how you are perceived, and is it bad to worry [00:02:00] about how you look? No, it's not bad. But it depends a lot on your motive. If you show up at a funeral wearing basketball shorts and a tank top, you might be a distraction. Avoiding the tendency to distract others in a harmful way is a good reason to be careful about how you dress. 

Looking good has been scientifically correlated with higher performance. If you dress in a way that's professional and put together, people will see you as professional and put together. But more important than that, you will see yourself as professional and put together. Your confidence will increase, and you'll be glad that you put in the effort to learn how to dress appropriately for the occasion. 

So what makes it bad to be concerned too much about fashion? " Too much" is usually something that results when we think we are better than someone else because of how we dress. Better than someone else [00:03:00] because of how we're built, how we look, how we sound, how we view the world. It's not a bad thing to pay attention to the way you come across. It is a harmful thing to believe that if you come across more effectively than someone else, you're better than they are, or more important than they are. Not in God's eyes. And not in the eyes of anyone who has any real love in their hearts.  

So, go ahead and pay attention. 

If you wear makeup, learn how to do it well. If you're worried about aging and you want to do something about it, do something about it. If your thing is, "No, I'm just gonna let people, uh, enjoy my craggy old face and figure that I am a cowboy," cool. Go for it.  

 If, you're 200 pounds overweight and you're selling nutritional supplements, and you're worried about the way people will perceive you, address it head on. You might say [00:04:00] something like, "I've struggled with this for years. I know that this is the answer., My goal is to be in a better, healthier place a year from now, and I hope you'll join me on the journey."  

Do whatever you choose to do. What you cannot do is say, "Well, it's not fair that people think about me based upon appearance," or based upon how I sound, or based upon one criteria or another, 

Because whether it is or not makes no difference. 

Life is full of unfair things. I've had unfair things happen to me, and I know that you have too. For some, it seems especially unfair—to the point of cruel. You and I don't always know the plan behind something like that. We don't really know why one person is so sorely afflicted, and another seems to go by scot-free. But it has been my [00:05:00] experience that everybody has challenges, and most everyone that you see, everyone you talk to, and everyone you meet, is struggling with something really, really difficult. You just don't know it, or can't see it from the outside.  

So, change what you can change, if you desire to do so. If you want to change your appearance, change it. If you want to change your level of fitness, change it. If you want to change your attitude about the way you look as age takes hold, change your attitude. You can't change the age.  

I love watching people who embrace reality and deal with it in a way that provides value to other people.  

The other night, I was talking with my son in law as we were driving to a rehearsal and I said, "hey—best actress alive. Who do you think? Give me your top three?" I don't remember what he [00:06:00] said, but I remember what I said. The first one I mentioned was Judi Dench. Now, some of you might say, "no the best actress alive is Gal Gadot because she's beautiful." Yeah. She is. I don't know if she's the best actress alive. Judi Dench is amazing. They don't look the same. So why don't I dislike Dame Judi Dench because she's not as pretty? Well, because every time she comes on screen and delivers a spectacular performance, I am changed by that performance. It's something that I appreciate. There's value to me in what she does. And so I'm really not that concerned about whether or not she's the most beautiful actress on the screen.  

Most people are not nearly as concerned, about the things you are self conscious about, as you are. Change the ones you want to change, and don't worry [00:07:00] about the other ones. Say to yourself instead, "What value can I provide for someone else while I'm here?" If I'm delivering a seminar: "what can I do to make sure that everybody is well fed and rewarded for having shown up?" Then I don't spend nearly as much time looking at my face and thinking, "What happened?  

Were you drug behind a horse?" It's not what I think about during the seminar. Only when I look at the video. 

 The only thing over which you have full control is the attitude you choose to have about the reality that you're in. If someone mentions that you talk funny, or that you ought to lose some weight, or that you've sure aged a bit, or any other thing, you get to choose how to react. You can't change reality.  

One of the most poisonous things you can do is to harbor anger, resentment, and disgust for people who have opinions that you don't like, especially [00:08:00] if those opinions are about you. Giving too much power to their opinions takes it away from you. If you want to retain your personal power, you decide how to handle what they said. If you believe it's true, and you could change it, to blame them is to give away your power to change. If you believe it's untrue, ignore it. You get to choose how you respond. Your attitude matters much more than your appearance. The things that you can change can be changed. 

If the person is right in their assessment, you have the opportunity then to say, "what do I want to do about it?" If you choose to respond with anger, or to marinate in misery, or to give away your power by saying, "Well, it's not my fault. I couldn't help it because my whole family's like that. That's just..." You can do that all day long. It's not going to help you. [00:09:00] To blame other people for your situation, to hold resentment and anger against them, to somehow make excuses, to refuse to change things that you know you should change, and blame that lack of self control or that lack of discipline on somebody else, doesn't serve you at all. What serves you? Happiness. Who chooses it? You do. Hang on to your personal power by changing the things that you wish to change, that you can change. 

Don't give your power away to someone else. Don't blame the world for all of the things that you didn't do. And don't be angry with God for who you are, and what he gave you to work with. Each one of us is from a different piece of clay and we get to decide what to do with the clay that we're given. 

We can become better, more [00:10:00] beautiful, more powerful, and happier, or we can be angry, resentful, dismissive, and eventually just give up. I feel so sad for those who give up. My heart aches for those who have been hurt enough that they think that staying in the hurt is the answer. My heart aches for those who don't know that they have something valuable to give the world, that they matter, that they are worth loving. My heart aches for a lot of people. When your heart aches for yourself, look in the mirror and say, "What would you like to be today?" And then go be it. If it's something that will take time to become fully, that doesn't matter. Go be it, right now.  

If you want to be a person who dresses [00:11:00] well, go be that person, today. "Well, but I don't have the wardrobe, and I don't have..." Change your shoelaces. Make yourself a person who dresses well, at least to the level of your shoelaces, this morning. 

If you're a person who wants to be fit, and you know you're not, be that today. Today, I am a fit person. "Well, no, you're not, you're 200 pounds overweight." No, I'm a fit person today because I did 10 minutes of yoga. I'm on the way. A fit person does 10 minutes of yoga, and I'll be even a more fit person a year from now, and a fully fit person at that. 

If you want to be a better reader, start today. Read something. Read it again. Think about what it means. And then say, "I'm a better reader today." It might just be 'cause you didn't fall asleep or get distracted during that particular part of the chapter. [00:12:00] Great! You're a better reader today.  

You want to be a better speaker? Be one today.  

You get to be stuff. Go be something. Be confident. Be attractive. Be well dressed. Be fit. Be powerful. Be full of love. Be patient. Be kind. Be long suffering. Be slow to anger and quick to forgive. Be all of those things. You get to be those.  

Other people can't take that away from you. They can't take away what you choose to think, that's powerful and good and uplifting about yourself. You have that. Never give it to somebody else. You decide who you are. You decide who you wish to be.  

And then look in the mirror. If you need something to change to fully become that, great! Change it. If you need something to change that you cannot [00:13:00] change, then find the good or the beauty in the situation that you now inhabit. I can't change how old I am. Neither can you. I can certainly change how I talk about it, feel about it, and what I do with it. 

What am I going to do with my time while I'm here now? What am I going to do, here and now, that makes the world better? That loves and lifts somebody else? That makes me more powerful, more articulate, more giving, more capable, more wealthy in every kind of way that wealth can be measured? It will be what I choose. 

So choose to be. Become what you are capable of becoming. Nobody else can. There's only one of you. And I like that one. You stick with that. Just make the best of it that you can. I'll do the same. We'll compare notes next time we get together. [00:14:00]  

We'll talk again soon.