Podcast 77: Regret, Loneliness, and Good Things To Come
In this episode, Nathan discusses the experience of regret and provides a deeper exploration of the feelings that arise during the holiday season. He urges the listener to not dwell on past mistakes and instead embrace the learning opportunities they provide. Reinforcing this point, Nathan quotes John Greenleaf Whittier and Henry David Thoreau about regret. Nathan discusses the choices we make, and the importance of accepting responsibility for these choices to gain personal power and influence outcomes. He suggests that, instead of trying to erase past experiences, it is healthier and more fruitful to make those experiences meaningful. Nathan concludes with a reflection on the story of the baby prophesied by Isaiah, who grew to suffer for humanity, and offer hope and healing. He encourages listeners to look forward with faith, learning from past mistakes, and celebrate hope this Christmas.
00:01 Introduction: Contemplating Regret
00:40 Understanding the Downward Spiral of Regret
01:40 The Dangers of Dwelling on 'It Might Have Been'
02:21 The Complexity of Choices and Regret
03:37 Taking Responsibility for Our Choices
04:31 Dealing with Regrets of Unmade Choices
05:11 Turning Regret into a Learning Experience
05:49 The Importance of Moving Forward from Regret
06:09 Finding Meaning in Loneliness and Difficulty
06:39 Finding Hope in the Story of Christmas
08:02 Conclusion: Embracing the Future with Hope
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Podcast 77: Regret, Loneliness, and Good Things To Come
[00:00:00] Hello, my friends. Recently, I was thinking about an experience in my past, and found myself filled, surprisingly, with a great deal of regret. As I did so, I started thinking about other similar experiences, other things that I had failed to do that I wish I had done. Things that I had done that I wish I had not. Things that I always thought would be a part of my life, but seem to be too far away now. Too much water under the bridge. Too much time has passed. It's too little, too late.
As I began to think about these things, I found myself spiraling downward, and it happened very quickly. I remembered then that this is a bad idea. I should probably knock it off, and I started trying to change what I was thinking and feeling at the time.
But I began to ponder [00:01:00] upon what causes us to do that, and why we are so prone to go down a rabbit hole and into a bad place, and what we should do about it.
Sometimes, this particular season fills people with loneliness, sadness, regret, or a host of negative emotions that they associate with this time of year, possibly because of the loss of a loved one, or some other experience that they had, that they associate with Christmas.
Regardless of the season, there are things we can do, and things we should not do, to help us deal with loneliness, regret, sadness, and so on. As I pondered upon all of this, I thought of the phrase from John Greenleaf Whittier: "For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these; it might have been."
Whittier may be right that the saddest words are, "it might have been," but only if we fail to learn [00:02:00] from them as we are designed to do. To think of the words, "it might have been," and spend time in the past trying to somehow erase it, change it, or make it happen in a different way, is not only a waste of energy, it is a dangerous, unhealthy, destructive way of thinking.
Often regret stems from self blame over making the wrong choice. Well, how do we know it was wrong? Some choices we know are wrong because they violate moral principles. Some choices we know in hindsight may not have been the best way to go. But we'll never know for sure, on those things that are not morally based, whether or not that was the right choice. Sometimes we need to have the experiences that come from simply making choices. There are a lot of outcomes that could have been the result of what we chose. We have no way of [00:03:00] knowing for sure that the outcome would have been any better had we chosen something different, at least not in most cases.
The explosion of information and options in today's society colors every decision we make, and can make choosing something even more difficult than before, especially if we have trained ourselves, or been trained by others, to examine every possible option and find the best one. That's not possible and it's not necessary. We Just need to make a decision and make good on it.
Sometimes the choices we make are made to impress or gain the favor of someone else. That's not really helpful. The choices we make should be ones that we choose to accept responsibility for. While that may sound like it makes things more difficult, it actually has the opposite effect. If you make a choice, and [00:04:00] take full responsibility for it, you're giving yourself the power to influence what the outcome ends up being, not necessarily what it is right in that moment.
The ideas of others, about whether or not you are correct, matter less than that you retain and create personal power, confidence, and ability, by passing through the experience of choosing and influencing the outcome to the best of your ability.
Sometimes regrets related to the choices we didn't make, or to the roads we didn't take, are the ones that linger longest. We have two options. One is to go back and dwell in the past, marinate in misery, dress in sackcloth and dump ashes on our heads, and bemoan what we think our life might have been. Or, We can rejoice in what our life is; [00:05:00] every good thing that has been a part of it, and every good thing that will be part of it.
Do you want to give the ultimate Christmas gift to yourself? Make your experiences worth something. Allowing yourself to feel them, and then asking the question, what am I to learn, and what good things have been a part of my life because of that learning?… Now that is a gift.
Henry David Thoreau said, "Make the most of your regrets. Never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it 'til it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh." He never said stay there. Wallowing in "what if," will hurt you deeply, as you try to control something you can no longer influence. Feel it. Learn from it. [00:06:00] See it become a separate and necessary part of your life. And then move forward.
Resist the inclination to distract yourself. Netflix and Instagram don't make regret, or sadness, or loneliness, or difficulty meaningful. Trying to solve a past problem is not the goal. The goal is to know more, and feel more, and be more, for having had the experience.
Are you lonely? Do you think that there's nobody who understands your regret, your sadness, your loneliness, or anything else? Long, long, long before you and I were born, thousands of years ago, the great prophet Isaiah wrote about a baby who would be born, and grow to manhood, and suffer. Isaiah described him as, "despised and rejected of men, a [00:07:00] man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." " He was bruised for our iniquities. The chastisement of our peace was upon him, and with his stripes we are healed."
When you're feeling overwhelmed with any of these emotions, instead of running away, make them worth something, especially now. His suffering was so that we might have hope, not that we might wallow in the past, or lose ourselves.
Instead, He made a sacrifice that would give us hope. Every great prophecy of the past points to that tiny baby. Every future good relies on that man. Without Him, there is no hope in this world, nor for this world. With Him, [00:08:00] hope springs eternal.
The future is as bright as your faith. Look forward with new understanding, despite your mistakes. And as you think about those who foretold the birth of that holy child, the one uniquely qualified to help you rid yourself of the burdens of regret, think of who that child became, and what our future can be with a hope in Him.
This Christmas, as you ponder your past and your future, and the future of those you love, let all that has been written and sung of Him sink deep into your heart, and thank the One whom the Apostle Paul called the High Priest of Good Things To Come.
Merry Christmas.